Something Personal

“Say what you will about New York, sometimes, it’s nice living in a city that doesn’t give a shit about your shit.”

I’ve used this line, from Hulk #1 by Mariko Tamaki, to talk about my mental health journey before, because it’s always been relatable to me. This week, however, the uncaring ignorance of this city has been stifling. How can the rest of the world hurry on while mine has paused, lying in wait, with baited breath? But now, when the weight has gotten slightly lighter, I need to talk about it.

About a week and a half ago, one of my best friends, someone who is young and sweet and funny and has been a pillar of support and stability in my life, started having seizures, and the doctors found a rapidly growing lump on her brain. They performed emergency surgery to drain the fluid that had built up, and, a week ago, she had surgery to remove the lump.

Needless to say, I’ve been a wreck. I obsessively checked the update site her parents had set up, and some nights, I was afraid to sleep, worried that I’d wake up to the worst news I could possibly imagine. Now though, almost a week post-op, which went as perfectly as brain surgery can, she’s doing much better, and I’ve gotten to see her, but, as her mom puts it, we can’t stop holding our breath yet. We still need to wait for the biopsy results.

Still, I am celebrating, allowing myself a few deep breaths, and thanking whatever God that there is for the progress she has made in a week. For sparing her. I am not the praying type, but still, I prayed, and as a friend said today at school “even though I don’t really believe in God, sometimes he’s good.”

In the same sort of spiritual sense, a question often asked in times of tragedy is “what have I done to deserve this?” The answer, always, is nothing at all, but specifically when it comes to something that affects someone else when it’s somebody else’s matter of life and death, is absolutely nothing at all. I had a brief moment last week when I asked myself this question, curled up and crying on the bathroom floor (the one night I really let myself cry) before I had to shake myself out of it. It’s nothing I’ve done, it can’t be because she is a person who exists outside of me, she wasn’t put on this earth to be a pawn in my life. This is something that I, along with a lot of teenagers, not just mentally ill ones, struggle with accepting. She is a person, independent, of me and my experience, to have her own. It then shifted to “what could she have done to deserve this?” The answer, again, being absolutely nothing. This isn’t some kind of cosmic punishment, this is something that happens sometimes, and while it’s not completely random, it’s not as methodical as some vengeful God. Sadly though, in this case, it chose an innocent person, who I happen to love.

It’s weird, to be anxious about something worth being anxious about, for a change. This is a different kind of scared, of suffering, then I’ve experienced before. I was young when my Grandma had brain issues, so I don’t remember anything but my mom seeming worried. It’s crazy, over a decade later, to be able to put myself in her shoes, to feel a comradery in something so specific.

This has been disjointed, and long-winded and entirely self-indulgent, but it feels very good.

I am so lucky to be so close to someone who is such a badass, who, in what was probably the scariest moments of her life took time to try and reassure me that it wasn’t a big deal, who is stronger than any other 16 year old on the planet, who has the biggest heart and is so funny and smart and pretty and wonderful. I am so lucky to love and be loved by her.

In your own morphine confused words, Shira, I love you so big time.


William Loves Arlene

William Loves Arlene

Oct 21, 1991

William loves Arlene.

He carved it into a seat on the B train,

26 years ago.

He used his keys,

Or the tiny knife she keeps in her bag.

Were they seventeen, like me?

Were they trying to leave their mark on this city, like me?

Where are they now?

Do they have kids together?

Did it end, and is this a remnant of two people who don’t think of each other anymore?

Or do they think of each other everyday?

Who walked away first,

And who looked back?

Thank You For Not Loving Me Back

Thank You For Not

The words echo,

A chorus of your own voice.

I love you and nothing else.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

And then silence.

It looks,

The darkness attempting to spell out everything unsaid.

I love you too.

But it doesn’t come.

And it’s easier,

After a moment,

To stop crying into the void.

And it’s easier,

After a moment,

To leave.

Comic Reccomendations: My all time favorites

Hey guys, I am not posting as much as I told myself I would, so I’m trying to remedy that. This is going to be the first in a (hopeful) series where I talk about my favorite comics, just as a way to to get myself to write. So basically motivating myself to write by letting myself scream into the void about my opinions.

So, here are some of my all-time favorite comics, in no particular order.

(No means complete because I’m lazy lmfao and maybe it’ll be updated but maybe not let’s be real.)

Continue reading “Comic Reccomendations: My all time favorites”

Why A Batgirl Movie Won’t Be Complete Without Oracle

Yesterday, DC Comics and Warner Brothers announced they were adding a Batgirl movie to their upcoming lineup, and that it will be directed by Joss Whedon. While Whedon is revered by the “nerd community” for his work on the iconic Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the widely loved Firefly, two shows that I love, I’m nervous. Recently, Whedon directed the Avengers movies and came under fire for the portrayal of the Black Widow and the Maximoff twins. (While I understand that they couldn’t mention the twins parentage, or that they were mutants, due to copyright reasons, it’s still disappointing.) While Whedon is known for creating strong female characters, I’m nervous about him heading another superhero movie, when the criticism was about his portrayal of a female hero.

There are rumors that they will be reaching to Gail Simone’s 2011 Batgirl run for material, and that excites me. I adore Gail and this specific run, but I’m afraid they’re going to cut what made the run so special, at least in my opinion.

Gail’s run had a particular focus on Barbara’s mental health in her first few months back as Batgirl. It addresses her PTSD, specifically relating to doorbells and guns pointed at her lower abdomen.

What’s that you’re saying? “Olivia, those are two weirdly specific things.”

I have two answers:

a) Not really?

b) You must not know about Oracle! Let me educate you!

In 1988, Alan Moore’s The Killing Joke was released. Originally intended as a one-shot comic outside of the normal continuity of the DC universe it ended up being adopted into the main universe. In the story, in an attempt to get to her father, who was being targeted in turn to get to Batman, after opening the door, Barbara Gordon was shot, rendering her legs paralyzed. A year later, in 1989, Kim Yale and John Ostrander introduced a world class hacker working with the Suicide Squad.

And thus, Oracle was born. (This is an incredibly simplified version of what I would like to say, but hey, another post for another time.)

Oracle became the go-to information broker/hacker for the Suicide Squad, Justice League, and any other team looking for help, and later, Barbara, along with the Black Canary, formed the Birds of Prey.

Barbara spent 22 years, from 1989 to 2011, as Oracle, until the 2011 relaunch of the DC universe, the New 52, retconned her time as Oracle. I’m not sure how they got away with this because Oracle had such a wide reach on the entirety of the DC universe.

Oracle trained both of the following Batgirls, Cassandra and Stephanie, as well as many members of the Birds of Prey. She continued her relationship with Dick Grayson, aka Nightwing, and remained a prominent member of the Batfamily. She’s fantastic, one of the most

She’s fantastic, one of the most famous female superheroes, and one of the most critical. The retcon of Oracle removed a crazy amount of development for Barbara and DC as a whole. She’s complex, she’s smart and kickass, she gets the job done. She’s the perfect candidate for the interesting main character of a kickass movie.

Oracle is important to Barbara Gordon, and to me for that matter. She’s been through a lot, and she’s still able to keep fighting and keep supporting others.

Barbara Gordon wouldn’t be the beloved character she is today without having been Oracle, and excluding that time from her story would thin out the character, and the potential for a great movie.

I love Barbara Gordon, and I’m hoping this movie does her justice.